Garbage Pail Kids and Baoding Balls

Baoding Balls:

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Movie Review of the Day:

GARBAGE PAIL KIDS THE MOVIE

Oh my God. That is exactly what I said when I first heard about this film while I was in seventh grade. I was an avid GPK collector and I had stacks and stacks of series 2 and 3 at the time. In fact, I had every single card in both of those series' and the 4th series was about to debut. It was a magical time for a kid like me who enjoyed gross-out humor and photos of babies doing disgusting acts, such as pooping and barfing.

So there I was, lined up at the theater on opening day with all of my tattered GPK cards in hand (I have no idea why I had to bring the cards with me). My dad was shopping at Orchard Supply Hardware, so I was able to hitch a ride and spend my allowance on this film. It was such a wonderful moment to find myself the first person in line for the 12:00 showing. Then I was troubled. I was the only person in line when the usher unlocked the door. Surely I was not going to be the only one in the theater for this fine cinematic gem!

I paid my $3.50 and headed for the auditorium as giddy as a pig sitting in fresh poop. I sat down and watched the stupid previews as I noticed that nobody was coming into the theater. Then the movie started and I forgot about the lack of viewers. Oh my God.

Here are my recollections of that film. You see, movies can come from many inspirations and sources. There are novels, plays, true stories, comic-books, video games and...trading cards? You may never have seen a Topps Rated Rookie Movie or a Hot Rod Film, but Garbage Pail Kids seemed to have the personality to make this movie work. A lower-lever trading card (such as the knockoff Trash Can Tots) would not make great cinema, but GPK could pull it off, in my young mind.

Barf, poop, farts, drool, and a crocodile-headed kid were the stuff dreams are made of. I watched with great glee as my favorite star, the young and super-cool Mackenzie Austin (of Facts of Life fame), came out and made me believe that the Garbage Pail Kids were real. I don't remember much about the movie except that there was a really hot 80's girl named Tangerine in it, a fashion show, and one psuedo-sexual scene where the girl named Tangerine takes off her shirt and reveals... a purple bra.

I remember Messie Tessie getting snot all over everything the movie; I remember Windy Winston farting all of the time; I remember Nat Nerd peeing all over the place; I remember Ali Gator trying to bite people; I remember Greaser Greg being a puppet-headed dunce; I remember Foul Phil, the smoking baby, who has bad breath; I remember Valarie Vomit who pukes all over the place.

The producers should have asked kids which GPK characters were the most popular. The Kids picked for this film were not even popular cards on the playground. I guess it is asking too much when I go into these philosophical debates with movie studios. Well, let's continue.

There was also some plot about Tangerine being a bad girl and locking the kids in the basement so her goons are able to kidnap and sell them off to the State Home For the Ugly. Once inside, we find out that all the other Garbage Pail Kids were murdered, and our heroes are next on the kill list. They're locked up in a cage alongside some of the world's other uglies: Santa Claus (too fat), Ghandi (too thin), and a clown, because he's 'too funny.' Trust me, it's much worse than it sounds. Finally, the Kids escape and let everyone else from their cages. Now they're ready for REVENGE!

The other day I rented this old chestnut from Nextflix. All I could say was Oh My God. After rewatching this film, I have come to two conclusions: either my parents did a lot of drugs while I was in the womb, or I was mentally retarded when I watched and enjoyed this film as a kid. Where can I start? The animatronics make Howard The Duck look like George Lucas-quality CGI. Where the hell is Jim Henson when you need him? So bad is the puppetry that the kids cannot even close their mouths and no one even bothered to lip-sync the dialogue.

The Kids are also disgusting beyond reason (as one who is familiar with the trading cards would expect). But after while they tend to grow on you (like an ulcer) and if you switch your brain off you might find that the film is alright. There's nothing magical here. Even for a film packed with horrendously 80's fashion and production design there isn't even much nostalgic appeal.

After seeing this film on DVD, I have decided that I would rather watch The Ewok Adventures back-to-back for a week with my eyes help open (a'la Alex on A Clockwork Orange) than watch Garbage Pail Kids The Movie again. The simple fact that the film was left with an open-end (oh God, please don't let there be a sequel) just pains me and I am extremely happy that films that leave the theater in one week are usually not allowed to have sequels.

I have kids now and I understand why parents did not want their children to see this film. It is not because the content is offensive; it is because the movie is just plain idiodic and the producers of this film must have believed that all children are mentally retarded. This film is one of the worst pieces of cinematic junk that I have ever seen. Thank God I survived after watching this mess.

Baoding Balls:

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